Tallinn Intensive, June 9th, 2012
We began the Tallinn intensive with energy work and kept it up for about two hours. It felt like twice that. For the first hour or so, I was enjoying it and noticing effects in my awareness, a lightening and a clearing out. Dave’s advice began to seem doable, and I began to feel as though it was really possible to be disciplined enough for my awareness to re-inhabit the body. I was feeling so uplifted that I began to fantasize about how I was going to be the “champion” Dave was looking for, the one who would carry the Transmission into the future.
I wondered if I was like the inverse of Dave in some way: he had lived a clean, spiritually-focused life from the age of five and become enlightened at a young age. Now he was talking about his body wearing out and the need to find a successor while only in his mid-forties. My own journey had been almost the opposite, a decadent, almost nihilistic youth, followed by psychedelic use and occult dabbling (and more than dabbling); now I felt like something of a physical and spiritual train wreck. Perhaps I had gone through everything I had gone through in order to be able to experience a rebirth in middle age? I could become an enlightened transmitter with a special knowledge of the darkness!
My fantasies began to dwindle and die during the second hour, as I became increasingly tired, and my thoughts grew defeatist and despairing. Dave kept reminding us this was only the warm-up, and that we were rushing through all the exercises and needed to spend much longer on them at home. It seemed as though hours and hours would be needed every day performing energy work just to clear the body enough to allow for the light to land. By the last stretch of the workout, I was beginning to feel like I couldn’t continue any longer. I was relieved to see at least two other people (girls) had already curled into balls on the floor.
Another thing: Since I hadn’t read the intensive description before coming I hadn’t expected energy work. After all that sweating for two hours in my jeans, I realized I would have to wear the same trousers for the rest of my trip. It was an example of my casual, “fly by the seat of my pants” approach being unconscious self-sabotage. I was reluctant to take the whole enlightenment thing too seriously, but as a result I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. This meant I was making simple practical mistakes and reducing the benefits.
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