the sheer enjoyment of being here (for Garbanzo)

Garbanzo RIP

Garbanzo

You were that part of me that showed me the whole

We did not rely on words

My love for you was in every breath I took, and now I breathe for you, now you have breathed your last

The terrible finite leaves me alone with a love too large to contain

Shredding the evidence of “I,” because love with a subject dies with it

But the death of the object has only deepened this love, that now cannot find a place to land

The mystery of this is that I conjured you, as a receptacle for the love it was not safe to feel without you

The Transmission of your purr, which took some time for you to find, was the possibility of the sheer enjoyment of being here

Missing legs, trauma, and all: how simply to be

What is it you are that I am?

When you lost your leg, we mourned, but you were still here

Now this old coat of a body has followed that leg, into the dirt

And I mourn, but you are still here, embodied now in “I”

That love that is all subject, without object

I miss your eyes

Now inside, looking out

I miss your cry, which has become mine

I miss the weight of your body, the most solid and substantial thing there was, the ground

That made me stay put

I miss the sound of your presence among us

I will never understand

How the center of my heart could shift, from being to none

Now I am lamed, like you, and the wound is what makes me whole

A mystery

If I cannot see you anymore

Then I can only be you

Love finds an echo to its deepest cry

In the heart that breaks to say goodbye

That you were ever here

That any of us were ever here

There is only love to testify

10 thoughts on “the sheer enjoyment of being here (for Garbanzo)

  1. Thank you for finding words for this almost unspeakable experience. I honor Garbanzo, and the raw human grief and joy that such loves draw from us.

  2. There is something deeply wonderful about companionship with our feline siblings. Your tribute to Garbanzo expressed so much. Thank you.

  3. My kitty that I had for 16 years died on the 21st after being ill for a year. When I was sick and feeling all alone she would snuggle up to me when I needed to feel loved and safe.

  4. If you want what visible reality can give you, you’re an employee.
    If you want the unseen world, you’re not living your truth.
    Both wishes are foolish, but you’ll be forgiven for forgetting
    That what you really want is love’s confusing joy. – Rumi

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