Still questioning the desire to write about my endless questioning of my desire to write, neurotically driven to confess the seemingly neurotic drive behind my desire to confess my neurotic drive to confess.
Still woring on the Kubrick piece, “woring” insofar as the “k” on my Keyboard is a big if and occasionally doesn’t work, especially, it seems, on the occasion when I type the word “working”—or woring.
As long as I am working on a new piece, book, or project, or whatever, I can maintain the illusion that somehow this one will make a difference. While in thrall to the creative-exploratory process, it always feels like this is the one. Once it’s done and sent out there, like a stone thrown into the still surface of a lake, the satisfaction of seeing those ripples fades almost as quickly as the ripples. The stone is gone and all but forgotten, and the ripples seem quite literally never to have existed.
A ripple doesn’t really exist does it? It is only a momentary effect, caused by interface between stone and lake.
So it may be better never to finish the Kubrick piece, to extend the delightful illusion that there’s something different and special about this one, and postpone the letdown of the “climax” indefinitely.
At base of everything I write is the inability to simply be the silent witness, the observer receiving the signal and enjoying existence for its own sake. Instead there is the compulsion to contribute, to add my special noise to the signal, to constantly test, test, test, that the Universe is sentient and that it will respond to me, that I exist as something other than an empty recipient of sensory data.
But like the ripples on the surface of the lake, each time I receive a sign it fades away, and I am left with the same uncertainty, the same stillness, and have to toss another stone, to reaffirm my existence once again.
Little boys tear the wings of flies for the same reason. Warlords conquer nations. Kubricks make inflated cinematic testimonials to their own importance, and so on.
The dance goes on.
Which reminds me. I had a request to dance in my next video. Maybe I should get on with it?