[Note: this was written before I noticed comment from “Picky the Elf” at last post]
I lie awake and the lack of response to my last post eats away at me. Not a single donation, comment, or even “like.” How is it even possible? It’s as if there’s no one out there at all?
Maybe there isn’t?
Supporting Mitch’s Kickstarter campaign wasn’t entirely altruistic. He owes me money and the sooner he gets set up the sooner I can get it back. But even so, I meant what I wrote. I am taking a chance by participating in something that has tangible real-world consequences and asking my readers to support it and, implicitly, to support me (morally at least).
A dozen posts asking me what the hell I am doing would be preferable to nothing! The total absence of any indication of that support, or even interest, is more than a slap in the face, it’s a kick in the stomach.
Reaching out to “the world” and receiving no visible response is my own recurring nightmare of personal history. It goes back to infancy, I am sure, to pre-verbal, pre-memory existence. [The proof being that, even when there was a response, I didn’t register or “approve” it – so Picky the Elf’s comment was lost for several days in blog limbo!] Autists are trapped inside a perceptual world which they can’t communicate from, or about, surrounded by seeming indifference which much of the time is actually incomprehension. If my signals aren’t getting through then I have to change what I’m doing, either that or stop doing anything.
People are telling me all the time how much they get from what I write or say, how valuable and meaningful it is to them. But it doesn’t seem to translate into the sort of response I want when I want it to.
I am writing this late at night (typing it up now, the next morning), in bed, because I can’t sleep. I am only writing it at all because I want to help Mitch with the last push of the final days of his campaign (he is only $600 short of the target). That’s my motivation, and my reason for venting my disappointment, frustration, and disgust, now, while, absurdly, asking the same, silent-invisible audience that I am railing against to show some substance, to prove to me you exist, tell me what I am doing wrong, or why this isn’t worth supporting or even responding to, anything but stupid, useless silence!
GIVE ME WHAT YOU’VE GOT! (Better yet, give Mitch)